Anna

You ride like a cowboy towards the sun
And life aint fun when you’re on the run
You got your gold and you got your gun
Life as an outlaw just begun

You got your shotgun by your side
You got your horse and you got your pride
You ride till there aint no place to hide
It’s sad cause the bad guys always die
Marshal Mathers

Decisions. Decisions are the fulcrum upon which a man’s life rests. They can turn a good man bad, or redeem one who is evil. When the day of judgment comes, will God look into the heart of a man in order to determine his worth, or are a man’s decisions the evidence by which his heart will be judged. Grey didn’t know. One thing he did know was that decisions could be a bitch. Of course, none of this mattered now, he had made his decision, and there was no going back.
The double barreled twelve gauge felt cold riding on the right side of his torso. He had fitted the shortened stock with a strap that looped over his shoulder so that the weapon would hang from beneath his right armpit along the side of his body. The twin barrels had been sawed off to about 18 inches so that it would be invisible beneath his coat. He had also cut a hole in his right pocket so his hand could grasp the shotgun while simply appearing to have his hands in his pockets. This way he could whip it out instantly, catching his adversary completely off guard.
Grey was nervous. He, Shoeless, and the GZ rode silently in an old panel van the GZ had acquired a few days before Grey came into town. Shoeless was driving, and every once in a while would break the silence by sniffing loudly. The GZ had been feeding a steady stream of both cocaine and bullshit ever since they had come to Providence, and the Shoe was now completely enthralled with the prospect of becoming a real life criminal. The GZ sat in the seat next to him, frequently checking his watch and appearing to be prepared for what was to come. Sam was the only conspirator who would not actually be present. She would be waiting at the old abandoned church on highway twenty four with the cars, preparing for their escape from Kansas.
Grey felt somewhat ashamed of the way the GZ had been able to play him. Sam had been his ace in the hole, and Grey had fallen in line just as the GZ knew he would. He supposed that it didn’t matter, he was doing this for Sam, and if this was to be his penance then he would accept whatever came after.
He looked solemnly out his window at the old familiar streets. They were in Jacob’s neighborhood now. It was early in the morning and the houses and yards were empty, just as they were the last time Grey was there.
He had spoken with Jacob yesterday who was only too happy to hear from Grey. He told Grey that he was having trouble with his dealers yet again, and that he would love to do a business with his “little buddy.” He had wondered where Grey had been for the last couple of years and Grey explained that he had decided to leave the life behind. Grey went on to tell Jacob that a good friend of his was in need of a reliable hook, and asked if he could bring him along. Jacob had eagerly agreed, telling Grey that he still trusted his judgment, and that if Grey’s friend was cool, he would be happy to have his business. Everything was in place.
“Aright, here it is,” Grey said, “Pull it over and park.”
The Shoe pulled the car over, Grey and the GZ got out. “Keep it running” Grey said as he pulled the sliding van door shut behind them. The two quickly strode up to the front door. Grey’s heart was pounding now, his breath coming to him only in short sharp gasps. The GZ looked calm but his eyes were wild. The cars that usually littered the front of the house and driveway were nowhere to be seen, which was a good sign. It meant that Jacob would most likely be alone.
Grey took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and knocked on the door. “Let’s do this fucker right.” The GZ whispered to Grey as they waited for a response from within the house.
“No sweat brother,” Grey said, trying to sound confident. “Just keep your fucking finger off the trigger and we’ll be fine.”
“Is that my little buddy?” Jacob exclaimed through the door. “Is that money makin Grey Townsen?” Jacob flung the door open and stood grinning with his hand extended. Grey’s grip on the shot gun tightened, his palms sweating. “What’s happinin little brother,” Jacob said. Time seemed to freeze. Grey knew what he had to do, knew what was supposed to come next, but for a split second he seemed to be unable to do it. He could hear his heart pounding in his head and watched in slow motion as Jacobs eager smile began to slowly fade with the realization that something wasn’t right. It was do or die time. No more thinking, he had to act.
Grey snapped out of the adrenaline freeze and in one swift motion stuck his foot hard up against the door to prevent the giant Mexican from slamming it, and put both barrels of the twelve gauge directly in his face. The GZ thankfully did not hesitate and came immediately over Grey's shoulder striking Jacob in the nose with the butt of Grey’s 40 caliber pistol.
“Get the fuck inside!” He shouted, he and Grey simultaneously pushing their way into the house. Jacob stumbled back, his nose spurting a stream of thick crimson. The GZ was on-top of him instantaneously, striking him twice more on the head until he collapsed onto the floor, his blood soaking into the carpet.
Grey was sharp now, his instinct working some sort of primal level, spurring him into action. He ran to where Jacob lay, swiftly kicking him twice in the ribs and placing his foot on the back of his neck with the shot gun pointed down at his head. “Get flat motherfucker!” He barked.
The GZ slapped the door shut and came to assist Grey with the Mexican. “Cuff him,” Grey ordered. The GZ dropped his knee into the back of Jacob, placed the pistol to his head and demanded he put his hands behind his back. After Jacob’s head cleared from the blows he had received, he calmly placed his hands behind his back and began to glare up at Grey with murder in his eyes.
“You just killed yourself ese.” He said to Grey as the GZ cuffed his hands behind his back, “You hear me Grey? You a dead ass white boy, I thought you were smarter than this holmes.”
“G, get in the back and check his closet.” Grey said, doing his best to ignore the threats, “There should be a safe in there.” The GZ scampered off into the back room in search of the goods.
“Why you doin this Grey?” Jacob asked still calm, his eyes relentlessly probing. “You aint dumb, you know who I am and who I’m with. I mean you might as well put that shotgun in your mouth and pull the trigger right now, save both of us some time.” With this a grim smile crossed his face because he saw in Grey’s eyes that he knew it was true.
Found it, “The GZ shouted from the bedroom. “What’s the combo.”
Grey looked down at Jacob, “what is it.” He asked simply. Jacob merely lay there looking up at Grey with the strange smile cut across his lips. “Come on now Jacob, you know me. You know I don’t bullshit. I don’t talk just to be talkin and when I talk you can believe what I say is true. So I’m gonna give you a choice.” Grey paused for a moment in order to allow his words to sink in, “Now you can either give me the combo to the safe, we’ll take what we came for and you can go about trying to hunt me down. Or I can drain your fucking skull into this nice shag carpet you got, and we can take the safe with us. It’s up to you, but I’m gonna need a decision right now.”
“Jacob continued to stare up at Grey, finally saying. “36-24-48.” Grey shouted the combination back to the GZ who entered the numbers into the digital key pad mounted on the safe.
“I got it,” he shouted back. “Holy fucking shit,” He breathed, apparently in awe by what he found.
“Tell me good news G,” Grey shouted towards the bedroom.
“Oh I got good news alright,” the GZ said as he came running into the room to grab the duffle bag they had brought. “We hit the fucking jackpot Grey, no bullshit, seven bricks and a pile of cash. Did I tell you or did I tell you.”
The GZ’s grin vanished with the sound of another presence in the room. It was Jacobs’s girlfriend, the one whose name Grey had never learned. She carried a bag of groceries in her arms and before she could even react to the scene taking place in her living room, her head snapped back, a small hole appearing just above her left nostril. The grocery back fell to the floor as a red cloud formed around her head and the wall behind her became speckled with bloody chunks of brain and skull. The thing that had only moments ago been a living human being crumbled to the floor; motionless, lifeless, now nothing more than an empty husk.
The deafening sound of the gunshot still echoed in Grey’s ears. The GZ stood there, holding his pistol still pointed at where the woman had been with a look of complete and utter shock on his face. “I didn’t mean…..she surprised….” He tried to mumble an explanation for his idiocy, but Grey was no longer paying attention. With sudden clarity, he knew what he must now do.
He swung the shotgun towards Jacob and proceeded to empty both barrels into the sprawling Mexican. The buckshot opened Jacobs back like a watermelon splashing into a swimming pool. Grey then cracked his weapon, removed the spent cartridges, put them in his pocket, and replaced them with fresh ones. “Get right GZ,” he said grimly, “we aint got much time now.” The GZ seemed to snap out of it, though still moving in somewhat of a daze, and followed Grey towards the bedroom. “Grab your shell first.” Grey said as he made his way through the kitchen.
When Grey opened the door to the bedroom he was not at all prepared for the sight which awaited him. He stood in the doorway, unable to move.
“Got it!” The GZ said, and ran back to the bedroom in order to assist Grey. “Holy shit,” He muttered in a shocked voice as he reached the doorway and saw what it was that Grey had been staring at. “She wasn’t supposed to be here, Sam swore she didn’t stay here anymore.” He muttered. But Grey didn’t hear him, couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t see anything; nothing except the little girl standing kneeling on the bed, surrounded by blankets. It was Anna, her eyes wide with fear. The same eyes that had once changed Grey’s life, finding him in the same place he had once been. Grey stood staring into those eyes, the eyes of a little girl whose innocence was being shattered. Only now Grey was the violator.
“She must have been under the covers sleeping, I never even noticed her.” The GZ said as moved around Grey into the bedroom.
“What’s going on Mr. Grey?” She asked in a small voice, “what was that noise.”
“It was nothing baby,” he murmured, “Your mom just dropped something that’s all.”
The three of them stood without making a sound for what seemed like an eternity until the GZ finally broke the silence. “I guess you better do it dude.” Grey looked at him not understanding what was being said.
“Come on man,” the GZ urged, we don’t have much time.
“Do what.” Grey asked, genuinely confused.
“You know what man.”
Then Grey did understand. He had killed Jacob because he had been a witness to the murder of his girlfriend. Grey had no choice. Jacob could have identified him.
“No,” Grey said forcefully. “No, it aint gonna happen, no fucking way.”
“No choice brother,” the GZ stated plainly, “I guess if you can’t do it then I will.” With this the GZ slowly raised his pistol, leveling it at Anna. Grey reacted before he could take aim, whipping his shotgun out and pointing it at the GZ.
“You better point that fucking gun somewhere else brother. I fucking told you, this aint happening. I won’t let you do it.” Grey’s voice was on the edge of panic now, cold sweat ran down the sides of his face and he could once again hear his heart pounding between his temples.
“What the fuck are you doing Grey?” The GZ asked in bewilderment, still pointing his gun at Anna.
“What’s going on Mr. Grey?” Anna said, repeating the question she has asked moments ago. Tears where now streaming down her cheeks as she looked down the barrel of the hand gun; clutching her blanket as though it could shield her from the bullets.
“Think Grey,” the GZ said, ignoring the frightened girl, “She’s seen both of us and there’s a fucking bloodbath in the next room. She knows your fucking name for Christ’s sake.”
“I swear G, the only way we’re leaving three dead bodies up in here is if your one of em!” He and the GZ locked eyes, neither willing to blink. “I’m not bluffing Gerald.” Grey stated with calm precision.
“We can’t leave her alive Grey, you know that.”
“Fine,” Grey replied, “Then we won’t leave her.”
“Grey, do you have any idea how fucking stupi….”
“That’s what’s happening G, you can live with it or you can die with it, but that’s what’s happening. Now clear out the safe, we don’t have time for any more of this bullshit.”
Finally the GZ shoved his pistol into his jeans, shook his head, and knelt in front of the safe. Grey let his shotgun fall beneath his coat once again and bent down over Anna.
“Aright sweaty, I’m gonna pick you up a carry you out of here, ok?” Grey went on before allowing her to respond. “I’m gonna wrap you up in this blanket and we’re gonna go, ok?” Grey did his best to use a soothing tone of voice, but what came out was more panic than anything else.
“But where are we going?” She asked, tears still streaming down her cheeks.
“We’re just going on a little vacation honey.” He lied. “Now I need you to close your eyes for me while we’re walking out of here. Can you do that? I need you to keep em closed all the way to the car. Can you promise to do that?”
Anna nodded, whipping the tears off of her cheek with the back of her hand. “Thank you sweetie. You’re such a good girl, you know that? Don’t you worry, I'm gonna take good care of you. We’re gonna have lots of fun on our vacation, I promise. Can you give me a smile?”
She did her very best to smile, but it was the saddest look Grey had ever seen. Everything in his life before this moment seemed to vanish. Why he was here and what he had done were meaningless. All that mattered now was Anna.
“Are you ready G?”
“Yeah I got everything, let’s roll.”
“Ok Anna, close your eyes now, its time to go.”

The Sickness part 2

Grey and Shoeless rode to the bar together in silence. Grey could tell that the Shoe was feeling talkative due to the line he had taken earlier but Grey was in no mood for junk talk, and Shoeless finally got the hint. When they arrived at the Green House the Shoe parked and began immediately to get out of the car. “Hold up man,” Grey said as Shoeless was opening the door.
“What’s up?” The Shoe replied closing the door.
“Are you cool with all this man, I mean, you seemed pretty nervous when we were going down to see the GZ. Are you sure you don’t mind sticking around here for awhile. I know you’re not used to being around these shady motherfuckers, and if you decide to stick around its only gonna get worse.”
“Don’t worry about it man,” Shoeless said genuinely, “To be honest I’m really starting to have fun. Its kinda crazy hanging with all your old criminal buddies, It aint like hangin with the college crowd.”
“No shit,” Grey said flatly.
“Seriously man, it’s cool. It’s actually exciting; I get to pretend like I’m notorious.” The tone of Shoeless’s voice was somewhat frightening to Grey. He had seen plenty of young men become seduced by the street life, and the Shoe’s eyes were brimming with a dangerous curiosity.
“Well, just so long as you remember that it’s not cool, aright. Nothing about the GZ and all this bullshit is cool. Now were just gonna go in here, talk to this old friend of mine, and go back to Dodge."
“What’s the deal with this girl man, it sounds like you were close, how come you haven’t talked to her in like ten years, and why do you wanna talk to her so bad now?” The Shoe’s question was a legitimate one, but it was one that Grey had no answer for. It was too long of a story and far too painful to be recounted in the few moments they had before entering the bar.
“Don’t worry about it bother; maybe I’ll tell you another time. You ready to go in?”
“Yeah man, let’s do it.”
The Green House was an old hippie hang out, hence the name. The bar was lined with aged sixties burnouts and failed revolutionaries discussing the glory of their former years, and the hopelessness of their current ones. Grey and Shoeless went immediately to the bar where Grey attracted the attention of the bartender and ordered a pitcher. As he waited for his drinks to come he looked slowly about the dimly lit barroom, his eyes coming to rest on a young woman sitting alone in the back corner of the smoky room. It was Sam.
She had changed, there was no doubting that. Her hair was still blond but it no longer contained the rebellious streaks of color, and her once kitty punk clothing had been replaced by simple jeans and a t-shirt. She sat staring into her drink, and had the look of a person who has lived too fast for too long. He could see a faint scar running from her forehead to the upper part of her right check, and years of sadness had sown deep circles beneath her eyes.
When the bartender appeared with their pitcher, Grey paid him and quickly poured himself a glass, drinking deeply in an attempt to quiet his nerves. “Do you see her?” Shoeless asked, “Is she here?”
“Yeah she’s here.” Grey replied. “I guess we should go on over.”
Grey had been waiting for this moment for so long and now that it was finally here he felt stricken with fear. It was almost as if he didn’t want to know the girl sitting alone at the table. She had changed so much and Grey wondered if he would have been better off keeping her as a sweet memory in his mind.
“Can you grab the pitcher?” Grey asked Shoeless. He did, and they began to make their way over to Sam’s table.
“Hello Sam.” Grey said softly as he reached the table where she was sitting. She quickly turned around at the sound of his voice and began to smile that same smile that had clung to his memory for so many years. It still contained a hint of mischief, though the spark in her eyes had dimmed and had become little more than a dull glow. Despite this Grey was pleased to see that it was still there at all
Sam immediately sprang to her feet and threw her arms around Grey.
“Grey!! Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s actually you.” Her arms grasped him tightly as she buried her head into the crook of his neck. “I thought I would never see you again.” She whispered.
“Yeah, me too.” He said. Stunned by the sudden outburst of affection, he stood awkwardly holding the girl who had spent so many dark years occupying his every thought; the girl who was now a woman. After a moment she slowly withdrew, and stood with her hands on Grey’s shoulders, her eyes penetrating his own. For a moment she looked as though she may cry, if only the savage nature of her past had not taken the ability from her. Finally she cracked an embarrassed smile, half a laugh, and invited Grey to sit.
Grey, unable to take his eyes from hers, had completely forgotten the Shoe, who was standing in obvious discomfort holding a pitcher of beer.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry, this is my friend Shoeless. Shoeless, this is Sam.” Sam shook his hand as though he were an afterthought and returned her eyes to Grey. They all sat down around the table and shoeless poured each of them a beer. Grey and Sam both immediately took long heavy drinks from their glasses; it appeared as though they still had much in common, despite the passage of time.
“Grey Townsen,” She breathed after draining half of her beer.
“Samantha, Jenkins, It’s been a long time, too fucking long.” Grey still couldn’t believe she was actually there. The years of their separation seemed to slip away and they were once again two teenagers staring blissfully at one another. “So how have you been?” He asked, “Where have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been surviving, same as you I suppose.” She replied with a smile, the sense of a private joke returning once again to her eyes. “Life is life Grey,” She said in a matter of fact tone, “I imagine it’s treated me the same as it’s treated you. The same goes for where I’ve been. I guess I’ve been in the same places as you, just different locations.” Sam had always been clever, and this was nothing more than a clever way of avoiding the question.
“Well shit Sam,” Grey said with a chuckle, “That’s downright poetic. You sure you aint been studying philosophy somewhere?” Grey was smiling now and it felt good. It had been a very long time since a genuine smile had graced his lips and for a moment he forgot about the last ten years.
“What about you,” she asked, “Where have you been? I’ve been to town a couple of times but you haven’t been around. I asked around about you. It sounds like you became pretty well known in Providence for a while. After that people said you fell off the face of the fucking planet.”
Grey found that he was in no bigger rush than Sam had been to disclose the details of the past ten years. “Oh you know how it goes Sam, sometimes when you can’t run away from who you are the next best thing is to run away from where you are.” After this statement they proceeded to polish off their beers in unison. Sam looked solemnly down at the table and said softly.
“You always did know how to run away Grey.” There was a slight edge to her voice wrapped in great sadness.
“Sam….I just…. You’ll never know how sorry I am….”
“Stop, I’m the one who should be sorry. The past is the past Grey, I shouldn’t have said that. We were kids, and the truth is I still love you like I always did. I don’t want to hold anything against you. Let’s just not talk about it ok?”
“Do you forgive me?” He asked.
“I said I don’t want to talk about it Grey. The past is the past. It wasn’t your fault. Lets just leave it be.”
“They sat in silence for a moment. Grey realized that Shoeless was probably feeling extremely out of place when the silence was finally broken by the voice of the GZ. “What’s up villains, “he exclaimed jovially as he sat down, “Why all the long faces, you two haven’t seen each other in ten fucking years, why you lookin all sad and shit? The way you guys were talking about seeing each other again I woulda thought you be as happy as a couple of faggs in a dick tree by now.”
“Oh we are,” Sam replied, smiling once again, “you just caught us at an awkward moment. I am happy to see you Grey.” She said turning her gaze towards him, “you really have no idea. Of course I don’t know if I’m as happy as a fagg in a dick tree. I imagine that would be one happy faggot, but I am happy to see you.” With this they all laughed, forgetting the past; replacing it with the moment.
“Well shit,” The GZ said after the laughter had subsided, “I gotta go run some errands for a little while, you wanna roll with me Shoeless?”
“Yeah, sure man,” The Shoe quickly answered, clearly happy to be getting out of what he considered to be a highly uncomfortable situation. Not to mention that his introduction to cocaine had left him desperate for more.
“Aright let’s get to it,” The GZ said as he got up from the table, “I have a feeling these two need some time to chop it up for awhile anyway.”
Shoeless looked puzzled, not understanding the expression as he followed the GZ out of the bar.
“Gerald’s right,” Sam said to Grey in the low voice one uses when partaking in an incriminating conversation. “I do need to talk to you,… about something big. I’ve heard that you’ve gone straight, but I need your help. I wouldn’t ask but you’re the only one who can do it.”
Grey braced himself for what was coming.
******
The blind stares of a million pairs of eyes, looking hard but don’t realize that they will never see the P.

Shoeless and the GZ sat in Gerald’s BMW with an unmistakably TuPac track pounding out of the vehicles high dollar sound system doing bumps of coke out of the shell of an old 45.
“Oh man, I felt that one.” Said Shoeless, “Thanks man, I appreciate it.”
“No problem Bro.” The GZ quickly replied. “If Grey thinks enough of you to bring you back to his old stomping ground than your definitely cool enough to ride with me.” The GZ started the car and began to drive away from the bar. “
“I’ve gotta be honest,” the Shoe said, once again feeling talkative. “This is all kinda new to me. I’m used to sittin around getting drunk with a bunch of college kids, not doin blow and rolling around in a BMW with a drug dealer.”
“Now what would make you think that I'm a drug dealer.” The GZ said with a smirk.
“Oh you know, it seems pretty obvious, besides, Grey told me a little bit about you.”
“Oh yeah?” The GZ replied seemingly interested by this. “I don’t suppose he told you just how I became a drug dealer, huh? I bet he didn’t tell you that he used to slang more dope in this town than a fucking monkey throwin shit at the zoo, did he?”
Shoeless laughed at the mental picture the GZ had given him, “Not in quite those words, but I always kinda got the impression he was into some bad stuff back in the day.”
“Yeah man, that motherfucker used to be as street as it gets. You seem like you can handle yourself alright, I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to turn you on to some shit like he did me.”
“I don’t know man, I think he’s changed a lot since he lived here. Whenever he talks about Providence he calls it the bad old days, or something like that. I’m sure I could handle whatever though, Grey just isn't into that kind of thing anymore.” GZ gave the shoe a sidelong glance out of the corner of his eye accompanied by a slow smile. He had him on the line now. It was amazing how a few short moments could change a man’s life forever. The seduction of the streets was a powerful thing, and the GZ was a first class salesman. All he had to do now was real in the Shoe.
“Really, you think you could handle whatever?” The GZ asked with synthetic skepticism.
“Hell yeah I could,” The shoe quickly defended himself, “Man I’m down for whatever, I’m tired of the same old crap. Living in a shitty run down house and seein the same freeloadin kids every night. I’m ready to do something.”
“Really? Well it’s your lucky day then. Cause it just so happens we got something going on here in the next couple of days.” Shoeless was now in the boat.
“Like what?” Shoeless began to feel nervous, as though he had just signed up for something he was unprepared to deal with, but it was too late. “Well, before you let me in, you should know that I’d have to check with Grey, he’s my boy and I’m not doing anything without him.”
Again the GZ's slow smile crept over his face, “I wouldn’t worry about Grey bro, something tells me that he'll be down. Now take another bump and I’ll tell you all about it.”
********
“Why are you asking me to do this Sam?” Grey’s voice trembled on the edge of panic. “Why now?”
“I need this to happen Grey, I’ve got nothing else.” Her blue eyes were once again penetrating his own. “There’s no one else that can do it. You’re the only one who can get in, and I know you’ve done this kind of thing before.”
“Yeah,” Grey replied quickly, sitting back in his chair as though the mere proposal exhausted him. “To a bunch of buster ass dudes, not to anybody like Jacob. What the are you thinking Sam? Are you fucking dope sick? Is that it?”
That’s not it Grey, you know that’s not it. I just can’t live this life anymore, I need this, just this one thing, and then we can leave all this shit behind. We can go off together and never look back. We can go someplace nice, you’ll see.” Her eyes pled with his and at that moment the desperation of her life became visible to anyone who cared to look.
“How the do you even know Jacob.” He asked
“I’ve been in Providence for a little over a year now, I met him at the bar one night. He’s kept me around ever since, and don’t you fucking ask me why cause you all ready know.” She said this with a slight wince, and Grey began to wish that he had kept her as a sweet memory from the past and nothing more.
“I can’t do it Sam, I’m done with that life. I’m sorry but I can’t” As he said this he began to get up but Sam quickly grabbed his arm, her fingernails digging deep into his skin, causing him to meet her eyes yet again.
“You can do it Grey. You can and you will. You owe me Grey. You owe me so much more than this.” The edge had returned to her voice and it was now Grey’s turn to wince.
“I thought that the past was the past Sam.” He whispered.
“It will be,” she replied, “Just do this for me Grey, and it will be. We’ll go away together, someplace nice. We’ll go to Canada. We’ll sit by the ocean all day smoking good BC bud and drinking rye until we both forget that we ever had lives in Kansas.” As she was saying this she slid her hand down from his arm and into his. “Please Grey, you have to do this.”
Grey stared out the window of the bar towards the faintly glowing street lights just outside, unable to look back at Sam; knowing that when he did, his will would surrender to hers.